May 14, 2011
Dear Elder Beckstead,
it was great to be able to say hello to you last week. Everyone was so funny, so excited to talk to you. Your mother never left the side of the phone and Sam was bored after three seconds. No really, it is amazing to see how much love a family can have for one another and the support it provides to know we are eternally together. I am so excited to teach people about eternal families, it is one of the choicest blessings we have, and perhaps the most comforting when life goes beyond our control. Sometimes, like today, I am filled with so much fear and doubt because I am going to far away from anything I have ever known. I won't know a soul, I won't know the language, and I won't know what hit me when I breathe in the hot humid air. I am so scared, and full of trepidation because my life is about to turn upside down. And then I remember why I am going, not to be comfortable, not to better myself, but because I want to tell people about the blessings that I have because of Jesus Christ. My fear is a testament to the joy that I have in my life now, I really enjoy this earthy life that I have going for me! But when I take a step back, the real joy that I have is my family, is the gospel that I get to live, and is the simplicity that comes when I do what I am supposed to.
Tell me this: yes I know that my life is about to really change, and it is going to be hard, super hard. But does it get simpler as a missionary? When you have specific rules, and specific time lines, do some of the stresses go away? Sometimes I get so frustrated because I don't know what is coming next, or I feel so alone. The endless complications of getting ready to go on a mission have been incredibly stressful, and I am hoping (keep those fingers crossed) that some of the stress can go away to I can have time to listen to the spirit. So, is there quiet time to do that? That is really my question.
This last week I got a phone call and an email from my stake president, they have pushed my MTC date back a week. I now leave on June 27th, rather than June 21st. What is an extra week? At this point, I appreciate the extra time to hug my mother goodbye, but at this point I really just want to jump in, feet first. My life right now can be compared to jumping off of a high diving board. It took all of this effort to climb the stairs and now I am on the platform, looking down. I am scared but excited for the unique feeling of taking that huge leap. I am waiting at the top, looking down. I want to jump and part of me wants to get back on the ground where I know what to expect. I am going to jump, I really am, but I wish someone would just push me tomorrow!
Patience, mixed with anxiety, mixed with fear? what does that equal? A whole lotta of extra faith.
Pray for me. I'll do the same for you.
Have a great week,
Love you tons!!